1. The Nun’s Perfect Response

After listening patiently to the three men discussing states with fewer and fewer nuns, one of the sisters smiled and said:

“Why don’t you all go to hell? You won’t find any nuns there!”

2. The Confused Customer

A corner bar had three entrances, one on each street and another on the corner. One evening, a drunk man stumbled inside, but the bartender refused to serve him.

He left, turned the corner, discovered another entrance, and walked inside again. The same bartender refused him.

Frustrated, he stumbled outside, turned another corner, and entered through the third door.

Seeing the bartender once more, he stopped in disbelief.

“Good grief! Do you own all the bars in town?”

3. The Heavenly Vehicles

Three men arrived at Heaven’s gates. An angel explained that their transportation would depend on their faithfulness to their wives.

The first admitted cheating three times during five years of marriage. He received an old pickup truck.

The second confessed to cheating once in eleven years. He received a Mercedes.

The third proudly declared he’d been completely faithful throughout twenty wonderful years. Impressed, the angel presented him with a golden Lamborghini.

Hours later, the first two found him crying at a diner.

“What’s wrong? You’ve got the best car!”

He sobbed, “I just passed my wife. She was riding a skateboard!”

4. The Three Wishes

An Irishman, an Englishman, and a Scotsman discovered a magic lantern on the beach. A genie offered each one wish.

The Scotsman wished for oceans full of fish forever.

The Englishman wished for an enormous wall surrounding England, preventing anyone from entering or leaving.

The Irishman asked, “How big is this wall?”

“150 feet high and 50 feet thick,” replied the genie.

The Irishman smiled.

“Perfect. Fill it with water!”

5. The Football Game

A man took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.

Afterward, he asked whether she’d enjoyed it.

“Oh, I loved it,” she replied. “But I couldn’t understand why everyone kept fighting over 25 cents.”

“Twenty-five cents?” he asked.

“Yes! They kept shouting, ‘Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!’”